In the weeks after releasing my inner child, I unleashed more and more interesting aspects of myself. But there was still this overwhelming sense of not feeling whole within my soul.
I sat in this pain for a day or so, feeling very fatigued and disconnected. But then I started the work that needed to be done. I descended into a deep meditation where the tears streamed down my face. I found the shadow side of myself standing in front of me; she was crying and had no sense of belonging. I tried to reach out to her and hold her hand, but all that did was scare her away. Initially, I didn’t understand the meaning of what I was seeing, and I asked for guidance from my angels. Then the messages just kept on rolling in, one after another. I had worked so hard in reconnecting with my inner child that my shadow side was disintegrating in front of my eyes. It was a real wake-up call for me; I started to realise that my way of knowing wasn’t the same as it once was.
I thanked my guides for this information and went to sleep. When I awoke the next morning, I felt a lot lighter but still not quite right. My first instinct was that I needed to get more answers, but I wasn't ready yet, and I was still very weak. Instead, I set out my workspace for my daily rituals and cleansing. On this day, my regular routine would have been dropping my sons off to school and going to the gym, but I didn’t want to go to the gym this time. It was a beautiful day, despite the layer of smoke in the distance from the now-healing bush fires, and the sun was shining. So instead of the gym, I went out into the garden. It was what my soul had been longing for. I just needed to be present in the moment, enjoying what this extraordinary planet has to offer. My energy level gained strength over the day, and my overall head-space became lighter. That night, I was delaying putting the kids to bed, and as the following day was the start of the weekend, I let them stay up a little later. Deep down, I knew I was delaying what I needed to do; I needed to reconnect with my shadow side and was afraid of what I might feel or see.
I was apprehensive about digging deeper within myself. I finally settled the kids into bed and waited until they fell asleep. I burnt some incense and began the work of reconnecting with my whole self. I descended into a deep meditation where I found myself on a journey to reach my shadow side. She was in a cave with water surrounding her. I gave her a hug and told her I loved her unconditionally; I loved her unique ways of teaching me how to love all aspects of myself. I Instantly felt our love reconnecting. Then, in the distance, I saw my inner child holding hands with my Goddess Warrior; she was coming towards us to reunite us all as one. The overwhelming feeling of contentment flooded my whole body, and we all walked out of the cave together as equals. Before I left that sacred moment, I made my own declaration: I promised to uphold my unique ways, to live my life the way I want, and to continue to keep this deep connection to my higher self.
When I later looked back on this whole experience, I started to find clarity. I reflected on how much I endured along my journey, without knowing about the missing aspects I kept locked away. I was scared to go to a place of healing, and it was easier to continue with this missing piece suppressed deep down in my heart.
I observed the regular thinking patterns and old habits I kept falling into and learnt that any problem I have on the surface has a more significant meaning underneath. That inner meaning strengthens you within; it brings back your inner tribe, that feeling within that gives you a sense of belonging, which gives you an indication of who you are and what you want to contribute in this lifetime.
I was ready for the transformation; I was prepared to search through the darkness to find the light. At last, I am now prepared to take full responsibility for my own beliefs and awareness, which I am no longer ashamed of. This is just the start of the journey that lies ahead.